Dear Angela, my friends would describe me as ‘loud” and even that may be an understatement. I am very outgoing and love going out and socializing, but I’ve recently developed a crush on a quiet-er guy. He’s sweet and funny, but very reserved and soft spoken. We’ve enjoyed two dates together and I’d like to see him again (and again). Do I need to worry that my personality may overwhelm him? — Lisa G.
Lisa, Lisa! Loud is what I know best. I too have a boisterous personality that can overwhelm a shy guy. Speaking from personal experience, I’ve learned that to try to quell our gregarious style is like trying to put a muzzle on a tiger. Eventually we find a way to chew through any restraints and let out our unmistakable roar.
My advice is to just be you. He’ll either be attracted to the person you are or he won’t. Wouldn’t you rather know you this before you become emotionally invested?
If you’ve had two dates, and they’ve gone well, sounds like he enjoys your personality just fine. Strong, confident women attract a multitude of men. The most satisfying relationships are those in which the partners have complimentary dynamics, yin and yang. Perhaps his softer yin style is just what your stronger yang personality needs.
Angela, do you think it’s important to know how many women your man has been with before you? I want to say no, as long as you know they have been tested, their past shouldn’t affect your relationship. That nugget of information only adds stress, right? What happens if your mind does start wondering? Is it ever too late to ask? — The Cat
The Cat definitely needs to get her own tongue on this one. When you enter into a new relationship, divulging the number of notches on your bedpost is absolutely off limits. So is inquiring the same of a partner. If a conversation is not beneficial to your relationship, then it doesn’t need to occur, and I can’t think of one instance when giving up this information will improve your relationship vs. sabotaging it.
Don’t confuse my answer, however, with transparency during the relationship. I believe in complete honesty at that point. Also, for a satisfying sex life, you need to be comfortable accepting and sharing each other’s sexual likes and dislikes, many of which were acquired through previous partners. You need to know where he likes to be kissed, not a head count of who has bowed at his altar.
A number is merely data. It doesn’t say anything about love, feelings, or how your man responds in a relationship. Erase your need to know. Do people actually keep an accurate record anyway?
My boyfriend carelessly passed on an STD to me when we first started dating. Months later, I still feel resentment and honestly a bit of anger toward him. I’m upset and don’t know what to do. — Charlotte
Charlotte, wow, that’s some heavy stuff you are dealing with. I can imagine the resentment you must feel. Your anger is directed not at betrayal but perhaps at his stupidity and carelessness. While I certainly have empathy for your situation, I think it’s important to remember what’s done is done. You can’t change what happened, so now you have the tasks of figuring out how to move forward from it.
You obviously still care for him deeply or this would have torn you apart—and it will, if you don’t work through the resentment. There are support groups that can help you both navigate such relationship issues, independently and as a couple. Speaking with a professional about your feelings should be a priority for you now. Your local Planned Parenthood has a wealth of information on testing, counseling, and dealing with diagnosis of STDs.
Have a question for our dating guru? Share your dating woes with Angela at NakedTruth@bocamag.com.
About Angela Lutin
Angela Lutin has won the adoration and loyalty of her riders at Flywheel Sports in Boca, where she has emerged as the most sought-after indoor cycling instructor in South Florida. In her spare time, the divorced single mom has launched a popular dating blog—essentiallyangela.com—on which she dispenses musings on life, navigating the singles scene and much more. Angela will answer your dating questions every Thursday at bocamag.com on her “The Naked Truth” blog, which she is doing exclusively for Boca Raton magazine.