Hi Angela, I’m 30 years old and have bee seeing a guy exclusively for a few weeks. I recently referred to him as my boyfriend in front of friends, and he scoffed at it later. I was taken aback. Is there an age limit on calling someone your beau? –Girlfriend
Girlfriend, I’m not certain that it’s the terminology that has your guy off kilter. Sure, he may be telling you the term “boyfriend” is dumb, but I think that’s an excuse to hide the real reason. While you and your beau have decided on an exclusive relationship, he may not be ready to take out a billboard and announce it to the world. Guys move slower in the, “public declaration of affection” department. It doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling what we are, but it takes men longer to process those same feelings.
For now, just introduce or refer to your guy by his name. Don’t make a big deal of this whole “boyfriend” title. If you let it go, I assure you, sooner than later, you will overhear him telling his friends about his “girlfriend.”
Angela, What are your feelings on boyfriends/husbands/men and their infatuation with porn? –Hacker
Hacker, all I am saying is, “Give Porn a Chance.” A little porn never hurt anyone. Now, I am not addressing the fringes of this topic that deal with excessive porn consuption or choosing virtual sex over sex with a real partner. Those are addictions, and must be addressed as such. I want to talk about the bulk of porn afficianadios that keep their porn viewing in balance. Yes, everything in life should be about balance, and I think for men, porn is part of a balanced healthy sexual appetite. Men are hardwired for visual stimulation. It explains why they can’t remember the name of the woman they just met in line at Starbucks, but the image of her sweater slipping off her shoulder revealing the tiniest bit of skin, is burned in their brain. Women have arousal triggers as well, but ours involves imagery and to some extent, auditory stimulation. We read erotica and want to get frisky. One is not better or worse than the other, it’s just what we respond to best based upon our anatomy.
We need to remove the shame from porn, and rather than scolding our men, actually take the time to find out what, if anything, about the porn they are consuming is stimulating for them. What do I mean by this? Well if you stumble upon your man’s porn history and are astonished that he is watching acts you thought were outlawed in 42 states, don’t immediately assume he wants to reenact them in the bedroom. Porn isn’t that literal for guys. It’s the same as us watching Real Housewives. We enjoy it, but it doesn’t mean we want to flip tables, have drunken fights in restaurants, or pull a frienemy’s wig piece out. Same applies to guys and hard core porn.
And while some experts will argue that porn has desensitized men and given them unrealistic expectations of what real sex should be like, that is the exception not the rule. Men as a whole would not want the women they see on the screen in their bedrooms. But what they do want is a partner that understands porn is not the problem. The problem happens when we are closed-minded and disapprove of how our men are hard wired.
My good friend just started dating a guy in March and they are already engaged. (They actually got engaged in August.) They are so happy and are glowing in their romantic tornado. This seems waaaayyy too soon, right? We are in our 20’s! Have they set sail for disaster? Should I say anything to her? –Future ex-bridesmaid
Dear ex, let me tell you a story. I love yellow apples. I will only eat yellow apples. Everyone tries to persuade me to eat red, green, or even gala apples because “that’s what everyone likes.” But I’ve found my match with yellow apples and I’m perfectly content with it despite the fact that it is not the “popular” apple of choice….
Your friend has chosen the yellow apple.
She’s happy. Be happy for her.
Do you have a question for Angela? E-mail NakedTruth@bocamag.com!
About Angela Lutin
On her popular blog, www.essentiallyangela.com, divorced single mom Angela Lutin dispenses musings on life, raising a teen, navigating the single scene, and tips to stay sexy regardless of your age or relationship status. A social media addict, she recently launched her new weekly Twitter conversation @essentiallyang—aptly titled #sexychat—that answers dating, sex-related topics and anything in between. Angela’s “Naked Truth” dating advice column appears weekly on Bocamag.com and also exclusively in Boca Raton magazine. Follow Angela on Facebook, http://www.facebook.com/EssentiallyAngela or Twitter, https://twitter.com/essentiallyang.